At first, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I’ve been wanting to cut it for some time.
A year ago, I decided I wanted long hair. Then the winter came and went, and I decided I wanted long hair just enough for a bob haircut. But every time I had a trim, it didn’t feel right. The haircut was nice, I got compliments, but it wasn’t right. It was like I was wearing a wig that didn’t fit.
But I tried to convince myself this was what I wanted. A lot of people I knew had long hair, besides summer was coming, long hair was great for summer. Plus I could wear cute hair accessories.
But Texas heat is brutal. It beats you down and demands submission. And when you’re down on the floor, it forces revelations from you. I had to cut my hair. I had to cut it short. I had to stop trying to be something I will never be again, I will never be a girl with long hair. I’m not the same person I was in my early 20’s. I no longer drowned my sorrows in my naked silence. I no longer hid behind a loud mask with the frailest stitches. I know who I am now, I’m in a new decade in my life. I’ m not a kid anymore.
I picked myself up from the heat, and I cut my hair, real short.A cute pixie style cut, a cut I’ve never had before. At first I felt naked to to the world. Everything about me was exposed, my insecurities, my failures, my regrets. But as I felt the lack of weight on my head, I knew I had made the right decision. The wig had been shed, and my true skin was out in the open.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I still have time accomplish my goals. The more I worry about where my life is going, the more time I waste. I’ll fit in where I’m supposed to fit in. I must be true to myself, and choose my battles wisely. I have to do what’s right for me, no matter the costs.
One of the most important lessons I learned from being unemployed for seven months was; Things will work out as they should. I eventually found a job. And I will eventually finish my book, edit it, and send out queries for it. I will eventually have children, and maybe one day have a nice house.
And, I will eventually grow old with my husband and look back with fondness for my life. And I’ll wonder, “Why did I ever worry so much about the future?”