A wig and the future

I cut my hair this past Friday.

At first, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I’ve been wanting to cut it for some time.

A year ago, I decided I wanted long hair. Then the winter came and went, and I decided I wanted long hair just enough for a bob haircut.  But every time I had a trim, it didn’t feel right.  The haircut was nice, I got compliments, but it wasn’t right.  It was like I was wearing a wig that didn’t fit.

But I tried to convince myself this was what I wanted.  A lot of people I knew had long hair, besides summer was coming, long hair was great for summer.  Plus I could wear cute hair accessories.

But Texas heat is brutal.  It beats you down and demands submission.  And when you’re down on the floor, it forces revelations from you.  I had to cut my hair.  I had to cut it short.  I had to stop trying to be something I will never be again, I will never be a girl with long hair.  I’m not the same person I was  in my early 20’s.  I no longer drowned my sorrows in my naked silence.  I no longer hid behind a loud mask with the frailest stitches.  I know who I am now, I’m in a new decade in my life.  I’ m not a kid anymore.

I picked myself up from the heat, and I cut my hair, real short.A cute pixie style cut, a cut I’ve never had before.  At first I felt naked to to the world.  Everything about me was exposed, my insecurities, my failures, my regrets.  But as I felt the lack of weight on my head, I knew I had made the right decision.  The wig had been shed, and my true skin was out in the open.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I still have time accomplish my goals.  The more I worry about where my life is going, the more time I waste.  I’ll fit in where I’m supposed to fit in.  I must be true to myself, and choose my battles wisely.  I have to do what’s right for me, no matter the costs.

One of the most important lessons I learned from being unemployed for seven months was; Things will work out as they should.  I eventually found a job.  And I will eventually finish my book, edit it, and send out queries for it.  I will eventually have children, and maybe one day have a nice house.

And, I will eventually grow old with my husband and look back with fondness for my life.  And I’ll wonder, “Why did I ever worry so much about the future?”

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